The Easy Way Out
I am as judgmental as they come. Seriously. Like it has taken a lot of practice for me to understand that most of my judgements come from inexperience and false beliefs. But even still, sometimes when I hear someone say something that I deem stupid I am so quick to say things like, “what an idiot,” or “did your mama drop you on your head?” Last Tuesday I found myself in this frame of mind. I overheard a woman say to her friend, “well you know she didn’t have to take the easy way out, she could have fought for her marriage.” The other woman shook her head and said, “Right?! I mean divorce is never the answer!”
I could feel the fumes coming out of my head. My blood was boiling and I fought myself not to interrupt their conversation and educate them on why this is the stupidest thing they could say. But I have done enough work to know that this had nothing to do with them. When I feel that deep emotional response, it is usually because it’s my work to be done and not theirs! So despite wanting to prove to them why they are wrong, I chose instead to walk away.
It spun around my head for two days. Could people really feel this way? Did they not know how hard women and men fight to keep marriages together? Do they not know how many people are in deep pain trying to stay in a situation that is toxic, crazy and unhealthy just to keep their kids from being raised in different homes? Did they actually believe that divorce is the easy way out? I mean really? As the thoughts were whirling and my blood hitting a slow boil, it hit me. The sadness. The overwhelming darkness. The grief. There it was. My helplessness. I have been feeling so out of control lately to help them overcome their feelings about shifting between two drastically different households at their dads and mine. I have been trying desperately to figure out ways to keep things the same for them and struggling with how to provide consistency when I can only control and impact their situation 70% of the time. My deep fear that if I didn’t do something quick they would be a mess for life (I am a catastrophizer!) I finally allowed my body to do what it does at these moments of darkness….I laid on my bed and cried the ugly cry. Loudly. No one was home and I needed to release the stress and dark energy of fear that had been covering me lately.
I never wanted to raise my boys under separate roofs. The mere thought of it was untenable to me. I knew after a year of marriage that what was present between my ex and I was toxic. Yet, we had a baby and how could I even entertain the notion of him not seeing his dad every night after work? So, we moved six times and had two more babies and still could not seem to find our way to level. We tried counseling five times. I tried counseling on my own. I actually did everything that was ever suggested to me to make my marriage work. Nine years in and following our latest move to Louisiana, the counselor said, “I never suggest this to anyone. In fact, in 30 years as a counselor, there has only been one other couple I’ve suggested this to Ya’ll need to separate. Live in different homes. You cannot keep bringing this toxicity to your three boys.” I wanted to die. Deny. We went home and decided she was crazy and we would never go back. That was in October. By January the wheels of our marriage had literally fallen off. In a desperate attempt to bring order to my life, I started working with a life coach. As I explained my situation and told her about our last visit with a counselor, she asked me why I was still in my marriage? I said, “Because my kids deserve to be raised under the same roof with their father and not just to see him every other weekend.”
Then she said the thing that couldn’t be unsaid. The thing that shook me to very core. The truth I knew but did not want to know. She said, “So, you believe it is more important for two people to be miserable under the same roof and bring that misery to your kids rather than two parents be happy under two roofs and bring that happiness to your boys?”
So, I replied, “But I took vows and said til death do us part. I believe in commitment.” To which she said, “But what if that refers to the death of your marriage and not the death of you?” And there it was. The thing I needed more than anything. I needed a pass. Not a free pass. Not the easy pass. I needed permission. I had been struggling for so long on the inside trying to sort out how I could leave my marriage. Trying to sort out how I could change myself enough to stay in my marriage. I was desperate. Looking back I realize that I needed someone to say, “It’s ok. You have struggled long enough. You do not have to keep struggling. You have not taken the easy way out. You have literally given this everything you have. You can let go now. Commitment doesn’t have to come at the expense of your health, happiness, and peace.” Someone said it. Thank God.
It took me a a little while longer to find peace with letting go of my marriage, but I can tell you three things: 1) It was the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make. 2) It challenged me in every way I can think of to confront myself and my beliefs about commitment, relationships, and love. 3) Staying in my marriage would have been a hell of a lot easier on a lot of levels! But deep inside I know I had to leave because it was the only way to save myself and live the life I knew I wanted.
Today, almost five years later, it is still the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make and one that continues to have consequences. Like how much emotion my kids have every time they go from one house to the other. Or when they say, “I wish I could see dad tonight.” Or “I wish you and dad still lived under the same roof.” Because no matter what anyone says to me, I know divorce messes up kids on some level. I know it will be their work to overcome later in life. I know that children prefer their parents to be together even if they don’t understand the significant toll that can take on parents or on them. I continue to believe that I made the hard choice because it was the right choice and that despite the mess my kids might have to clean up later, it is a whole lot less toxic of a mess than they would have had to clean up if I had stayed married for them.
My marriage took me to rock bottom. My divorce had the bottom fall out. In that falling out, I found myself. I turned the hardest choice of my life into the best choice of my life. Best for me, best for my boys, and most certainly best for the community that now surrounds me.
So, to the ladies who I overheard talking last week, I say this: I understand why you might think divorce is the easy way out. I also understand that you might be dying inside your own marriage and unable to think about someone else leaving because it scares you to your very core. Maybe you were like my boys and hoped and wished your parents had stayed together. I know if you listened to half the divorce stories I have heard as a life coach, you would never dream of saying your friend took the ‘easy way out.’ But, if you still feel that way, then cheers to you, I wish you peace. Thanks to the easy way out and divorce being the answer, I do know what that is today!!!!
Love,
