Toilet Paper Isn't the Answer
I have struggled to find words or even thoughts to put on paper in the last few weeks. We got on a plane a week ago Monday and all I could think was, “is this the right thing to be doing?” At the time, no one was being asked to quarantine and it all seemed so blown out of proportion. Fast forward a week later and we returned to no school, no meat in the grocery stores, restaurant closings, and a toilet paper crisis that had me worrying we were legit going to have to use leaves if I didn’t find some soon!
I stood in the middle of Target this am because I was literally out of toilet paper and I felt like I was going to burst into tears because of how out of control and weird it all felt. It was 8:02 a.m. and people were running down the aisles with their carts loaded to the gills with toilet paper and paper towels. Only to be stopped at front and told that they could only buy two TOTAL and people complaining and yelling.
It felt so surreal. It all feels so freaking crazy and insane. I left the store and cried in my car. I let myself feel what it feels like to not know what is going on. To not be in control and not know what is coming or how it will affect me and my family. I just let it flow through me. All the fear, the chaos, the uncertainty….
Then I came home to write. Because I knew in the middle of all that weirdness and uncertainty that surely there is a lesson for me. I wrote until I got to the lesson. The lesson that I have written publicly and privately about for the last year. As soon as I hit it, I did my laugh and cry at the same time thing. I am getting what I have been screaming for, asking for, even begging for at times. I’m getting a time to rest. With my family. By myself when my ex has the kids. Rest from work, from sports, from playdates, from practices and games and travel. Just rest.
I can feel how hard it is inside to fight against the mass panic. How the healthy side of me wants to chill and breathe deeply and the other side is trying to convince me to buy up all the toilet paper with everyone else. How I woke up this morning and went to set my timer to meditate and then I hear the committee in my head, “but if you don’t get to Target by 8 a.m. on the dot, you will have no toilet paper by day’s end.” And while toilet paper is a necessity, there are a million other non necessities that are trying to pull at my peace, my deep breaths and my centeredness. How this is all a choice for me and all I can do right now is choose my response to it all.
Instead of filling my mind with fear and panic, I plan to pause and breathe whenever that panicky part wants to take over. Whenever my “stay too busy to breathe” side wants to kick in I’m going to stay in my pjs another hour and give myself time to ease into the day instead of jumping up at 6:00 a.m. and struggling to find the energy to make it to the end of the day without more caffeine or sugar.
I begged for rest and it is here. I know many of you have begged for the same thing because I have talked to so many of you in the last couple of years who are just burned out on it all. I challenge you to embrace the slow times, the zero commitments, the space that was given to us to reflect and rest. Our earth is clearly trying to recalibrate and as humans I believe we are being asked to do the same. Let’s be intentional about how we take care of ourselves, how we connect with each other, and how we use this time to gear up for the next phase of what our world will look like after all this passes. And for God’s sake, can we stop buying mass amounts of toilet paper in an effort to control the “shit” that is so far out of our control? I promise proper breathing and meditation will bring you far more peace and comfort than an extra 400 rolls of tp!
For those that struggle with anxiety and depression I challenge you to keep a gratitude list each day. Use one of the many amazing meditation apps that are available today and start a meditation practice. I also challenge you to STOP looking at the internet all day and creating more panic in your bodies. Just rest. Breathe deeply. Know that this too shall pass.
May you all find what you need during this time and if I can be of any assistance, don’t hesitate to reach out. I have found myself a lot more available than usual!!! We will get through this one way or another and for me and my family, we plan to get through it gently, restfully and intentionally. May ya’ll do the same!
Until Next Time,
