It is YOU
Back in May, my partner in crime and I went for a long hike at Boulder Park in Dallas. When we arrived, it was clear that everyone was there to mountain bike and we were the lone hikers! We set off on the trail (backwards so as to not completely annoy the bikers!) and I watched as each biker sped past us. I found myself smiling and remembering years of mountain biking as a teen in North Carolina as well as through college. Quarantine had definitely upped our biking game as me and the boys took long rides every day to break up the indoor crazies. But mountain biking is different. It’s adventure and excitement. It’s adrenaline and power. It’s sheer childlike fun.
About two hours into the hike, we met a cool guy who was jumping hills and having a blast with his buddy. We struck up a conversation with him and found out that he is an athletic coach in Southlake and spends his weekends mountain biking anywhere he can drive to! While we were talking, a girl whips by on a bike and jumps a huge hill and speeds off. I notice she is alone. I also notice she is really cute. I said out loud to the guy who has just admitted he’s single, “Now, if I were a dude, I would be chasing that girl! She’s clearly cool!” He laughed and agreed.
We wrapped up our hike (after getting lost for over an hour!) and headed home. I couldn’t stop thinking about that girl. I literally kept picturing her jumping the hills, blonde hair whipping behind her, not a care in the world. I woke up Monday morning thinking about her. And Tuesday morning. And Wednesday. I was obsessed with her!
By Wednesday, I had to sit down and really think about this girl and why her presence had stirred me so deeply. It occurred to me how many times in my life I’ve seen someone doing something, been moved by it, almost to obsession, and then allowed that light to fade back inside of me, without taking action. A long time ago, my life coach explained to me that anytime I’m inspired or lit up by another person, that it’s something inside of me that I’m resonating with. It is usually a part of myself that I’m not expressing or owning. So clearly it was time for me to be carefree, adventurous and brave. I decided the next day that when the kids went to their dad’s, I was going to snag one of my boy’s mountain bikes and go to a local trail. So I did. I put the bike on my SUV and headed to McKinney.
I cannot tell you how excited I was on that drive over! Before I even hit the trails, I felt like a badass! My adrenaline was pumping, my hands were a little shaky, and the music was blaring with my windows rolled down. I arrived at the park and unloaded my bike. As soon as I sat down on it, I knew this was the best decision ever! I started down the trail and found myself a perfect mix of scared shitless and excited! Some of the hills I allowed myself to fly down, and some of them I had to stop at the top of and negotiate my fear! I sped through that trail, my blonde hair whipping behind me and my giggles loud enough for anyone to hear. I could not remember having that much fun alone!
A week later, I found myself at the bike shop, using my hard-earned money to invest in my own mountain bike. I had to wait two weeks for it to arrive, but when it did, there was a joy inside of me that I can’t explain except to say, I was honoring a part of myself that was long forgotten. A part of me that spent a great deal of time in nature and on trails in my youth. The part of me that loved adventure, adrenaline, and excitement. A part of me that I honestly thought I had to let go of in order to be sober. Not that sobriety can’t be all of those things, just that I got it twisted that I was only that person when drinking. Twenty years later, this part of me was quickly coming back alive!
For weeks after my bike arrived, I took it to a local trail and rode for hours alone. Smiling the entire time, I just kept hearing this voice in my head that said, “Now you are the badass alone on the trail and jumping the hills!” I haven’t stopped riding! Any chance I get, I’m on the trails, feeling the wind on my face, experiencing little kid joy and letting myself be a little scared.
I wonder how many of us do this? See someone doing something and get jealous. Sit back and watch as they throw themselves all in and just think, “it must be nice to be them.” Or count ourselves out for a myriad of reasons. I’m too old; too tired, too much of a mom or dad; it’s a thing of the past; for when I was younger; or hotter; or more in shape; or whatever the excuse.
I wonder how many times I’ve done this? Been faced with something that clearly excites me; clearly brings energy to my bones; and convince myself of all the reasons I can’t or won’t try it. I could have continued to obsess about the girl on the mountain bike and even be downright envious but let myself off the hook with the excuse that she clearly doesn’t have a family; she has so much free time; she is so much younger, etc. I could have let that light die. Except that I got curious about it. Why did she stir me so much? Why couldn’t I let it go? My curiosity allowed me to see that my obsession with her was really my soul screaming to be free! It was screaming for excitement and freedom and independence. I didn’t let myself off the hook as I normally do with all the things. I sat with the feeling and I explored my thoughts.
I wonder what would happen if you would allow yourself some space to get curious with yourself? I wonder how many of you who have written to me in the last few years; if you got curious, might actually do something different? I wonder how it might light up your life? I’ve heard so many of you say to me, “I wish I could write like you and let it all out.” “I wish I could be brave like you and leave my marriage.” “I wish I had the courage to get in another relationship and be as happy as you are in yours.” “I wish I could run a marathon like you.” “I wish I could leave my job and only invest in my side hustle.” I wish. I wish. I wish.
Thank you to the girl at Boulder Park for reflecting back to me, so much about me. Thank you for opening a space for me to lean into nature and adventure again! Thank you for being bold that Saturday and exploring on your own and giving me permission to do the same. Thank you for opening up a space of curiosity inside of me. I have no idea who you are, except that at some level I do. You are the part of me that I allowed to die for a long time. You are a part of me that was so long forgotten that I honestly didn’t even know I missed you. You are me. I just needed a reminder.
Ya’ll, let me be your reminder. If it is lighting you up watching someone else; it is YOU. If you feel envious or jealous or why not me; it is YOU. If you wish or want or stand back and think it’s so fortunate someone else is experiencing it; it is YOU. It’s always YOU.
Until Next Time,
